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copyright 2023
P E R F E C T W O R D S
a subsidiary of The First Borne (T.F.B) magazine/editorial
copyright jaelah k./j.kelly/ jae k. 2023
The Official & First Hungary Trip,
through & courtesy of : Jaelah K./jae k./ j.kelly/ jae
pub. saturday, sep 9 2023
I went to stay with my crazy grandma in a little village in Hungary for 3 weeks and here’s what happened :
I had been wanting to visit the “motherland” for years now and the urge really set in when my dad and brother went back in January, except for they only passed by on a lightning visit, when I went I wanted to feel like I was living there and get familiar with the place. I didnt think id actually be able to go so soon and had set to make the trip in winter 2024, fall 2023 earliest. But I went in august, for 3 whole weeks, and did my best to soak everything up. Before even planning the trip I had an idea of what was waiting for me, my grandmother and I keep a steady chain of emails going, and she would send me pictures of the house, and all of the progress she had made in refurbishing it. Its very old world, most of the furniture is from the flea market, if its not then its furniture from when she was little and wayyyyy before that. There are tables and cabinets in the house that are 200+ years old, the garden shed and ladder that goes up to the attic are also artifacts. Everything in the house is ornate, the silverware, the fine china, tea cups, there are pictures of family on every single wall, almost like collages, frames everywhere, there are doilies and lace and curtains, religious symbols, candles, little statues and stuffed bears. (pictures below) None of the furniture technically “matches” but it all goes together, it all feels good. It feels like a home the walls are concrete, there’s no central air, there is no noise at night, and there’s a well in the yard. my grandma washed our clothes in a big bowl and hung them outside on the clothesline.
Outside there are vines and flowers everywhere, she has tomatoes, squash, zucchini, grapes, blackberries, strawberries, cucumbers, and peppers and 4 or 5 cats who visit throughout the day. Sometimes while I was sleeping or just drawing in my room, a cat would come in without my grandma knowing and peek into my room to watch me ( I was new to them). My grandma always kept a door open during the day so the breeze could come in. I had an altar in a small room adjacent to mine during my stay, so I could still put out tea and food and say prayers while I was away form my home altar. I watched tv sometimes but it was all in Hungarian and I couldn’t change it, so I often watched South Park in Hungarian, which was different.
My first couple mornings there I woke up late, the latest being 2pm, that shocked me I had never slept like that. My grandma always had breakfast waiting for me and asked me where I wanted to eat, outside or in. Then she'd make me tea and and I'd say thank you a 100 times and she'd always be like, "You're welcome darling!" The first week out there we just milled around the village, walked everywhere, first across the street to where my dad went to elementary school, there's a big park over there, a river runs through it, there's a brick path that grandma says used to be cobblestones, if you walk about a quarter mile in there is a church and a mausoleum for a royal family that lived in the village. We went inside the church which was open, and to describe it in short, I want to get married there. All churches should be nothing less than ornate, gaudy, over the top with brilliant architecture, there should be a flower and angel carved into every single square inch of stone, just like this one. It is a fairly small church but size does not matter here. I wish the pictures did it justice but they do not, still I have attached them. One of the first days out there we went down to a river where there are weekend houses, families vacation there. It's their lake tahoe. She showed me the weekend house we used to own, gave me detailed background information (as she does), and then we ate at a little outdoor restaurant. After eating and eavesdropping on a gay looking group of bicyclists in booty shorts, we went down to the actual river. Immediately when we got down to the river it started thundering, and then pouring, we ran back down to the car and even though I had an umbrella I was soaked through my dress, and my poor grandma looked like she went swimming in her clothes.
During that week we also visited the village cemetery, where her mother, father, grandmother, and grandfather are buried. I said hi to them all and we put out new flowers from grandma's garden and took some pictures. Over there you literally drive through the cemetery on the grass and pull up and park right next to who you're visiting. There are no little plaques in the ground everyone has a big bed of stone over their grave with a huge headstone. And even the cemetery is ornate, 95% of the plots are laden with flowers, real, artificial, candles, lanterns, angel figurines and sculptures, its so colorful not empty looking.
My grandma fixes everything, for example i had this hole in my bra on the side seam, its been there for months i didnt care i need to go to calvin and buy new ones, but my grandmother sat in her chair in front of the tv and hand sewed it perfect again, then handed it to me and said "I did the best i could" i just had to laugh.
She is also obsessed with giving me shoes and costume jewelry, all of which i love but i kept a lot of the items at her house, I didnt have room for them in my luggage. She bought me new dresses too, some of them are skimpy and she would have me try them on and come into her bedroom in front of the mirror, id tell her "Its grown im not used to this!" and she'd say "It is cuuute Jaelah!"
Oh my god my favorite thing, when you're meeting people you are supposed to do the double cheek kiss and I love it and i am annoyed that no one does it here, its made me bitter actually because i like kisses, though these are not real kisses you just put your cheek to theirs and make a little kissy sound. But that is how you greet people hello and how you say goodbye. I miss it. At first i was self conscious and thought i was doing it wrong but by rule of thumb you should use your left cheek first then end with the right.
My grandma is so much like me because in her town everyone knows her and her car, it is a little red one and she named it Piroska. Everyone knows: Elizabeth is to Piroska as Jaelah is to Cookiemonster.
One of the first people I met in the village besides the supermarket girls, was my great uncle, a sweet little man who doesnt talk much but when he does talk its worth listening to. He's really witty and funny but quiet and THAT is the important part. His property is cool because he lives right on a river and he goes fishing in his backyard, he also has a really pretty magnolia tree and peach trees and he's got a gold necklace with the Hungarian crest that he never takes off. His nicknames for me were 'angel' and 'Barbie doll'.
After about 4 days the soreness in my body from traveling went away. I was sore everywhere I did not even know to expect that part honestly.
During the 2nd week we did some more local things, just relaxing, running errands,, I met one of grandma's friends who is also named Elizabeth (everyone shares the same 10 names out there) but she goes by Berbé, and i found out she is a libra! October 5th. I found out because I noticed she wore a gold necklace with a gold scales pendant. She is super organized, she lives in a bright orange house, her yard is neat and organized, she was actually in the middle of redoing her tile floors when we visited but even the "clutter" and evidence of renovation was neat. We also went to the mall in the next town over, it was alright as far as malls go, I didnt need to do any shopping but it was nice to know they had one. We visited a couple of castles that week as well, and I got to see horses! Briefly! But still I got to pet them and talk to them for a few minutes, which was enough for me. I had come to the conclusion that one of my estates has to be a castle, with horses, and everything will be designed as if we were still in the 1800s.
At the end of that week we had set off for Croatia, so I could be by the seaside, which I was stuck on, we stayed for 3 nights and I got my ocean time in. The water had a higher concentration of salt and minerals, it was not cold, and I took full advantage. I swam so much, I was not the only one swimming but I was alone, my grandmother sat on the shore and watched me and I got to just float in the water and let the sun beat on me, it was so nice. I got a good tan which is hard for me to do. When I got out and laid in the hotel room, it felt like I was still in the water, thats how you know it was good. Me and grandma got to the hotel at 11pm on our first night, she had the restaurant make me steak and vegetables and she had chicken and fruity wine. Then we went up to our room and watched twilight new moon. I was surprised to find out she actually had watched twilight before and said she loved it! AND she said Bella should've chose Jake! She thinks Edward is overrated. The rest of the nights there we watched eclipse and breaking dawn pt.1. On our last night we walked on the pier where all the pretty boats and yachts were, and then had dinner by the beach and I had an infamous long island iced tea. My first real drink, but i got scared and left about a quarter of it in the glass. We left Croatia, now instilled with the hope I would come back and spend a full month there, and got back home to our little village 2 days before I was set to fly back home. Now I was reflecting on my full trip, honestly, I was hoping to meet people my age but I didnt really, I was around older people the entire trip, which is fine, at work I'm around people 40 yrs + all of the time so I guess im used to it now. The night before I left for Budapest , the last day of being in the village, I met my cousin who is also 19, and we exchanged a lot, we didnt spend much time together but we got a little bit of insight on each other and we had lots of fun talking about cultural differences between there and the US. We laughed a lot he was easy to get along with, and he makes beaucoup money creating content as well, so we’re the same a bit.
Then the next morning our taxi driver came to take me and grandma to Budapest, we checked into our hotel at about 3pm and then had a quick run around the city, which is beautiful, I wish I had more time out there, that city is unmatched. In architecture, in ambience, everything is clean and light, I dont think any way I explain it will it actually match what it was like to be there. It was 10x better than any metropolis I had been to, it ranked superior on any scale of comparison, in my opinion. Then the next morning I had to catch a 9am flight back to Frankfurt, and then LAX, the dreaded LAX, which was a hellscape in comparison to where I had just come from. I finished up my last journal entry at the Budapest airport just before boarding my 9am flight and felt really sad about leaving my grandma and the house, and the cats. The morning I left the village actually, while i was still sleeping and my grandmother was up doing chores etc, the kitten snuck into the kitchen and made its way to my room, my grandma happened to be passing by my door when she saw something hanging off the side of my bed, she said she stopped and opened the door some more and realized it was the little one peering over the edge of my bed watching me sleep, she said, "She must know you're leaving."
Honestly, when I first got there I was a bit nervous, I was afraid about what I dont know, mostly that I wouldn’t be able to be fully present, I missed my parents lol, there were pictures of them all over the house and that made me sad for some reason, but after my first 2 nights of long sleep, and lots of eating, I felt better. I got comfortable really quick, I liked to walk around outside in the yard and write out there, eat out there, My grandmother could tell me everything about anything, there’s nothing she doesnt know, I could never keep up, sometimes I wish I had recorded our conversations just to listen to afterwards, to memorize all the information she had given me. I honestly love that house, I loved the woods and the entire atmosphere, and so now i know when I hate it here, I can just catch a flight there, I have my own set of keys, to the gate and the front door. I will live with grandma and then I will buy my own castle, and my own apartment in Budapest, and 2 horses and just chill. 2nd home acquired, I left Hungary richer!
Food Highlights:
Fish soup
Duck
Red cabbage
Johnny walker, jack Daniels
Lots of tea
Lots of pig fat
Zucchini
Berry
My favorite small details:
- Grandma has long black hair down her back, hip length,
the strands are really thick you could probably floss with her hair,
I liked when she put it in a high ponytail or one long braid with a bow
- Everyone rides a bike
- Hospitality
- Odd faces
- Weird clothes/ speedos
- Chocolate is “chocy” which was just cute to me
- Cats everywhere
- Old ruins everywhere
- The air/smell
- The thunderstorms
- No one knows what an earthquake is
- The double cheek kiss
- Sparkling or flat water
- Woods everywhere, it is a fairy, storybook world
- Storks and stork nests
Grandma phrases/sayings/words:
-
Do not paint the devil on the wall
-
Kiss my footprint
-
If your husband cheated with me he wouldn’t have even come back home
-
*To her ex husband* “You want to fuck yourself in the mirror but you are afraid to cut off your dick. Im going to leave now, just please dont break my mirror”
-
*when asked why she is laughing* “Should I cry??!!”
-
Mary Magdalene!
-
Send Mary!
-
*to me* My little porcelain doll I want to break you!
-
“It is okay to have sex before you’re married, A marriage is made in heaven, not on earth, marriage on earth is just for the paperwork”
-
Pnd
09:21 august 28, monday
I remember last year I had attended a birthday party in my small little hometown littered with everyone i went to middle school with, peers people you "grew up with" only because you lived in the same city your whole life and constantly saw their face, it was like a mini reunion sort of, anyway there was lychee at this party, the fruit that kind of tastes like a grape and comes in a soft spiky shell, at the party i had really only hung out with one person whom was in my 7th grade science class and we spent our unexpected meeting catching up etc,
he opened all of my lychee for me since i found it was kind of a chore to open them, but he did it effortlessly he just put it in between his index finger and thumb and with one hand broke the shell open, i thanked him for his service and for a few hours had the luxury of eating lychee to my heart's content, then my classmate eventually left, i went to go get more of the little spiky fruit, struggled to open it and figured id ask the nearest group of people to do me a favor, which happened to be the kids who were gym rats, kept PRs of the weight they could bench each week, swore by whey protein powder, and had (at this point of the party), taken off their shirts to show off their gains through their white wife beaters, (this detail is only important because of the next turn of events)
so there's a group of them cooing over each other and i hand my decrepit little lychee to one of them and ask, "hey could you open this for me maybe?" confident, boy #1 takes my lychee and uses both hands and squeezes the life out of my poor lychee, left and right switching positions, until he gives it to another 24 hr fitness gold member, he too grunts and squeezes the poor little lychee, then i swear my lychee makes it into the hands of a third 245 lb bench press PR boy before he gives up too, and the first wife-beater-wearer takes it back, exasperated he pulls out a pocket knife! ready to cut into my now very abused piece of fruit!
i shake my head and take the lychee back, "nevermind," i had practically whispered, i could barely muster enough energy to utter the word,
because now, i was not only fruitless, but a part of me felt deceived, confused, like i had been made a joke out of, like i had learned a very important lesson, "never again", i thought to myself
Judith y Holofernes
17:58 july 20, thursday
Judith Beheading Holofernes, 1599, Caravaggio,
I had taken Art history in 2021 I think, we had to like write a formal analysis on assigned pieces, each week and i hated it because a lot of times it was just boring or I was uninterested, this painting though I loveddddddd, partly because its of the Baroque period, the really deep shadowing that's warm and heavily perfumed. The focus being the contrast therefore immediate "eye satisfaction" that is created in a Baroque style painting. , this image always looked like really hearty food, to me, like you could cut into it with a fork and knife and be full. Contrary to popular assumption, I am not into gore, or killing, or women killing men, or anything, thats a little too on the nose. The reason I really love this painting besides the palette and flavor, is Judith herself. I think I found the painting actually funny when i first stared at it. Because even though it was supposed to be this a story of heroism and war and death, it didn't feel all that grand, it was simple warm and familiar in concept. Maybe the artist did this without even trying.
The story is of religious origin, Judith is a widow, jewish, her city is besieged by an Assyrian army and leading general Holofernes. She takes it upon herself to save her city and plans to seduce and kill him in his quarters, and makes a verbal allegiance to the Lord, "God of Israel".
I beleive the story is one of those religious lessons included in the bible maybe as an homage to a woman's ability or significance or something, but thats not why I like it either. I really do like that she is depicted as an ordinary young girl, she looks so normal.
The story looks like this to me, its as informal as a diary entry
what's highlighted is a woman's cleanliness and poise, its like::
the hard thing about killing someone is it stains your clothes, its a bother to do it, its messy, usually its a difficult decision/ duty to carry out, it wasnt difficult here it was just annoying, to kill Holofernes is an inconvenience. It's such a drag, a small burden even, like a house fly,
Lets say we had cropped the image at her wrists, without further context, based purely off of her body language and face we could assume she was taking out that pack of gizzards thats stuffed inside a raw turkey.
Though she is disgusted, its mixed with this follow-through that is apparent in her face, because what's funny is her expression is not even close to concerned or unsure..
If anything it says, "Please don't squirm so much"
Her disgust is innapropriate for the situation, and so is why it resonates
Another point I got was she didn’t really want to kill Holofernes so much as she HAD to, as a duty to herself,
To me it looked like a milestone, "baby loses his first tooth" or "Judith at prom", like an oath kept unto herself or something that would happen eventually
It is not romantic because she killed a man, or because she killed anyone at all, we are not against men no matter how tyrannical, it isn’t about the battle of the sexes, do not even try to cheapen this,, it it is entirely about her growing up, her hands before they callous, her naivete preserved even in her crime, her incoordination that won't last much longer after she's done, both exist at one time, and let you relate to her, this Judith is that much more sweet
I have compared Jodi Arias and Judith several times before sort of jokingly but also because to me, they're sort of the same. Like if you really think about it. also whenever I reference this painting I say Judith and Holofernes or Judith y Holofernes (the latter I've had as a title for my music playlist for 2 years or so), because its not even about a bad guy or a victim or a superwoman, I think its just domestic, its just matters of the heart, they are equal players it is a shared and mutual situation. One requires the other. But that point could be argued, Judith technically had no relation to Holofernes they weren't lovers or anything, but she still killed him and I think, "is that not an extremely intimate role to play in someone's life?"
Judith y Holofernes, july 2023
Do not love and death share the same vehicle?
jae.k / jaekelly/ at111am
Jodi=Judith
end cap, end parentheses, closed
<i> Spooky:<i/>
17:49 july 20, thursday
<i>Jae's confessions:<i/>
16:00 july 14, friday
I finished my entry and then reached over to turn off the lamp, it was so dark, "No too scary" I twisted the lamp back on, "Cant say I didn't try !"
<i>this had me laughing<i/>
16:29 july 14, friday
Me and my girlfriend share an erewhon membership, we identify as married and go up to the palisades at least once a month and run up our credit cards, buying $16 juices, sourdough pizza, kelp noodles and braised lamb, its been odd watching a place i used to go to when i was little be so defiled by the internet for the sake of an empty trend, i won't harp on this i'll only make myself upset,,
if i could i would hide very single thing i value, because once everyone knows about something its not even sacred
I sit by the pool in the mornings and eat my breakfast, then I lay on the ground and soak in about 15 minutes of fresh unadulterated raw morning sun, as I let my food digest
Before anything , but right after praying, in the morning, I oil pull for 20 minutes with coconut+clove oil, swishing the oil in my mouth and running around the house doing mini chores,, then I spit and rinse liberally with sea salt water
Kona is getting up there in age so I call him “this old dog” like a nursery rhyme,
But he’s still my puppy he still acts like one,
I miss him even when im with him
My thoughts surrounding him mostly pertain to my not feeling enough for him, feeling he deserves a much more luxurious life, I love him
I want his face on a t-shirt, in my Lockett and on the back of my phone and on every single social media account that I have
My dad says I am not white or black he says I am gypsy
I stash money everywhere, always,,, I love love being a waitress
I found $100 in my wallet the other day that I didnt even know I had
I don’t keep my money in one place, im careful about that
I love mixing diamonds and gold
I love things with my name on them
I love to write my name on everything
I used to not like my name, just between you and me, I still don’t fully feel it, I don’t know how I feel about it, it is more indifference now, but it used to be disapproval
I don’t currently belong to a last name, we don’t know my dad’s real last name so I have none
It does sometimes make me sad
I do love my grandmother’s maiden name, so much so I got it tatted on me
I was alive in 1952
I would answer if callled by the name 'gypsy'
I like to October in Europe, November in the mountains and December on the coast, a white trash beach, with rednecks and hicks
I will have 2 borzois and name them something snarky but honest
I know nothing about growing things but I am willing to learn
I can be taught anything quickly, I am a sponge, unfortunately
<i>Jae's confessions:<i/>
16:29 july 3, monday
<i>A true story<i/>
16:10 july 3, monday
We were in the living room and it was almost completely dark besides the tv light, he leaned forwrad and set his beer on the coffee table then said, "Have you ever screamed bloody murder?"
what do you mean
"Like have you ever let out a real panic-stricken afraid for your life and wellbeing, scream?"
No ive never had to
He screamed, terror and i jumped
Well why did you do that?
"You do it now, to see what you would sound like if you really had to scream for your life, like what would you scream if you were really in danger?"
i sighed and closed my eyes
then i jumped off the couch, bent forward, balled up my fists at my sides, and squinted my eyes shut
then i dug deep into my heart,
what came out of my mouth was,
"YOU ARE AN OPP LOVER!!!!!!!!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!"
then real tears started to fall from my eyes, i fell to the floor and curled up into fetal position, sobbing
he quick sprang up off the couch to come to my aid
"Jaelah there's no opp lover here, its okay, you're okay, its all in your head, its in the past, you're okay"
i shook all over, apologizing profusely still rocking myself,
I just, i thought i saw one, it was so real, soon as i screamed it felt like i really was in danger at the hands of an opp lover
he stroked my head and let out one silent tear in solidarity
and then in his sunburnt and syrupy, tennessean accent he whispered
"No opp lover gonna hurt you jae, you're gonna be all right"
*
<i><i/>
20:48 july 2, sunday
When u live alone in a house u don't have to buy and wear a bathing suit in the pool, u can just swim in black underwear or nothing at all
<i><i/>
20:48 july 2, sunday
Oh cause you post Alexander McQueen 90s runway clips on your ig story so I'm sposed to be scared of u ???
<i>jae-note<i/>
12:50 june 24, saturday
lessons in lady-like etiquette
<i>The Star Card<i/>
11:34 june 24, saturday
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My dad always says, "I would kill someone for you", like its a given, or a casual statement, like, "Oh its gonna rain tomorrow, don't forget your umbrella", like it were nothing,, and maybe it really is that simple, but i also feel that he says it a lot, like at that point you just really want to kill someone it has nothing to do with me,
there's this one quote that goes, "if a man writes a woman a ballad he loves her, if a man writes a woman 300 ballads then he just really loves writing ballads" i thought that was the coolest and snarkiest quote for the longest time, i think its still top 2
bottom line i know he would kill someone for me, but i think murder would be that much easier for him because what is with the fixation
*
<i>Ducky<i/>
13:47 june 23, friday
One of my absolute favorite regulars at my job is a 90 year old man (a different one) and I'll call him Ducky just for privacy, his birthday is in december, he doesnt use a cane he doesnt wear glasses, hes not deaf, he gets around real well he's not hunched over, he is an active spry thing
and it pleases me, hes the one that just gets coffee and water he owns a whole
bunch of property and he tends to a lot of the maintenance himself,
born in 1933! what a superstar year, that alone is enough, he
was in the Korean war at 19, but it ended shortly after he joined up
and he recalls that they were on a ship chasing a japanese
submarine when they got a call that the war was over, he said he
was so relieved but all he could think was "Well I hope somebody
hurries up and tells the other guys!"
" But before that I had asked him about world war 2, he said "Well i was only 5 years old when it started!" But when he first got news of it starting, he vividly remembers,
he was playing in the yard when his little friend rode up like a
bat out of hell on his bicycle yelling, "The Japs are coming!
The Japs are coming!" He skidded to a stop let his bike fall and
high-tailed it into a bush and Ducky followed him afraid for his life,
he laughed as he was telling me, "We thought they were really coming to
get us so we had to hide" I thought it was so sweet and candid that the boy heard
they were in danger and immediately came to Ducky to alert him promptly, i think
the whole moment is darling to begin with,
them being 5 years old and all
*
<i>Idc though<i/>
12:21 june 23, friday
"Dont you just hate it when you wake up in the morning to discover that you look like those people you love"
<i>IWT B.I.L<i/>
11:46 june 23, friday
And actually, I have already made plans for when Kona passes, not that I am waiting on it, but i know exactly how I'll keep him around, either I'm getting him stuffed in traditional hunting pose to stand guard beside my bedroom door,
or he's being cremated and I'll keep the ashes on a personal altar, lavish, decorated with turkish rug patterns, obsidian and gold and his urn will be made with gold leaf inlay and a deep burgundy paisley print, his government name carved into the handle of a dagger, the handle being made of his leg bone, and/or i will have them keep and dry out his skull and I am to place it above my home's fireplace
nothing goes un-commemorated around me
when I was 10 that's when we first got Kona, and he was cutting his baby teeth at the time, whenever I was lucky enough to find a loose one I quick snatched it up and put it in a little container and kept it in my bedside drawer, I didn't get all of them but I have like 5, my mom was so put off by that
<i>ceo<i/>
11:46 june 23, friday
I've taken a strand of Kona's hair and planted it in the backyard, this way I will have a fully grown second Kona in no less than a year. People ask me, "Jaelah, why do you claim to be so busy, what could you possibly be occupied with?" Well this is it, I grow gorgeous, killer dogs
<i> <i/>
11:09 june 17, saturday
*
2 locks facing up means no one's home
"You know better than to test my resolve."
Semper Fi
word "moodbrd" i.e:;
things i was saying last night
*then when its time to go to bed i pretend like im a marine or a mom, as ironic as this sentence is: i take my make-believe very seriously*
⚕︎
<i> <i/>
10:34 june 17, saturday
If im in the passenger seat I'm probably giving myself a full blown manicure, one coat Bubble Bath, 2nd coat Mademoiselle (essie), file buff and push, so I probably'd ask that you drive slow
<i>Diner diaries <i/>
11:43 june 16, friday
*yesterday morning: my transaction with one of the regulars, a 90 year old man that comes in everyday with his wife, he tells me about hawaii*
"You know i used to live in Hawaii"
Really?
"Yes for a while too, my daughter lives there now, she says I should move back"
Why did you ever leave?
"Well when I met Nita *motions to his wife who is goissiping at the counter with the some of the other regulars* I was out here in Pomona , just on business. I met her and I took her back with me to Hawaii, and then we were married and, we wouldve stayed, but she was taking care of her dad back home, she couldnt just leave"
You married her that quickly? How long had you even known her?
He ponders , "Yeah just about 6 weeks," he grins
You didnt regret it? You didnt move in with her and think, "Oh no what have I gotten myself into?!"
He shakes his head and laughs, then he raises his eyebrows, "She was so sparkly!"
Sparkly?
"Sparkly! She's just a sweetheart, just real special Nita is, dont tell her I said that," he grins again and his wife makes her way over just as he says this,
She turns her head at him and smiles, she doesn't know what we we're talking about but she chimes in anyway, "You can ask me if you want, but just dont tell me!"
and then they both laugh, that mustve been an old saying that I didn't get, but it was really funny to them
<i>Works well under pressure<i/>
13:01 june 12, monday
I'm house sitting right, some of the people in this neighborhood i have prior knowledge of, from years ago, though i dont think they know me at all,, ayway its about 1am, im nestled in my guest room bed, the window to my left is open with a view of the street, I hear the rumblings of a car, I think its a Dodge one of those american muscle cars, its loud and just now getting home, the headlights shine through the blinds into my room as they reverse and back into their driveway, I know whose house it is and the name of the girl who lives there,, so I lift my head up to see who gets outof the car, its the girl i suspected, we'll call her Vanessa, Im pretty sure its her who else would it be? she opens the garage and gathers some things out of the passenger side, then she walks down the street out of sight, leaving the garage open,,, I lie my head back down rifle through my iMessage text my dad goodnight and then pop back up again in time to see that the girl is walking back towards her house, and this time two figures follow behind her, now get this, Its two guys and they're black, like irl black, like polo g, lil baby black .
one has a backpack on and is holding both straps how niggas do, as if he were a super senior, and the other one is shorter and has dreads, but no backpack, and theyre definitely at least my and Vanessa's age, and i am just so confused because A) its 1am, B) this girl is a white-washed, Hispanic origin, ex softball player, college bound, brace face, 2a curl pattern brunette, jean jacket, bobby pin a strand of hair behind her ear chick, and these 2 black men are folllowing behind her like she can get them into VIP, and she's holding a paper bag or something leading them into her garage as if she were just running an errand, or stopping by at a Super Bowl party with tostitos and queso, and then , this is what sticks with me, the shorter dude with the dreads, just before he enters the garage he does a sofaygo hair flip and you knoww which one im talking about, and i was so confused and just ?
Because its 1 in the morning, no one can see you, both the white chick and the other black dude have their backs toward him, hes trailing behind both of them and he does this dramatic sassy "let me reposition my dreads in a rockstar chic, nonchalant fashion before i enter this abode, before i step over the threshold, let me take a metaphorical sigh and dust my shoulder" as if he were about to crowd surf, I was so confused, and then I was like, what could they possibly be doing, why did she have to walk down the street and then return with them, why didnt they just park in front of her house, were her parents home? i thought they were home, there are like 5 cars in th driveway, did she just open the garage beforehand as a precaution, why did the guy w the dreads not have anything with him, why would they hang at this boring girl's house at 1am ? when were they going to sleep? it was late i was tired, werent they tired too? didnt they just want to get in bed? and all could think about was how he did that sofaygo hair flip like he was making a triller, nigga it is 1am, in some eastvale bitch house what are u doing??? can anyone tell me, and then if this wasnt enough, i went to bed with my last words having been "**gasp** Vanessa is a whore" , dreamt of my words echoing in my head, and the hair flip,
<i><i/>
13:01 june 12, monday
I understand completely why girls are anorexic, who wouldn't wanna be skinny
<i><i/>
13:23 june 10, saturday
called me crazy but at least you called me
called me crazy but at least you called me
<i>Butter<i/>
13:12 june 10, saturday
If i didn't have work or school or general obligations, me and kona would move to a pasture, on a cliff, overlooking the sea in Ireland, and we would roam all day and drink milk and spin around in circles alllllll day
<i>Psalm 127:1-2<i/>
20:27 may 29, monday
I know this girl who clings to her boyfriend's arm like she's one of those stuffed puppies with velcro on her back and he's the seatbelt, everywhere, she just whines and cries and holds on to him like the wind might blow too hard or something, its nothing really it just agitates me to think about, she makes it seem like the whole world wants her dead on the pavement she won't breathe and she doesn't give anything else life either, i wonder if she knows that life doesnt work that way, that she doesnt get to whine and be a big effing baby 24/7, that people don't like to be suffocated, that anywhere or anytime else she would LEARN that, quickly and the hard way, but i guess some people get to be a baby and its all alright, but god does it suck the effing oxygen out of the room like god you can let go of his arm! he's not going to run away, he definitely would have by now, by the way! but its probably too late for him now! so you're safe you can let go lmfao! I shudder, but now I will probably be taught a lesson huh, i guess it only agitates me because if I acted like that, (attached and reliant and afraid, young, desperate, victimly vulnerable, sick, weak, crawling on the floor at a public function begging to suckle from my boyfriend's teat like some newly born thing that needs its mother to lick the afterbirth off of it) , i wouldnt be enabled, i wouldnt be catered to or soothed day after day, I would just be punished for it, id be taught a lesson but i guess that's just me what weight do my years hold, what authority to speak do i really have?
<i>Versus what<i/>
20:06 may 29, monday
I strive to love my people as if they were each individually and freshly taken from me, I won't and can't take any breaks, or rest from it, if you are close to me I have to love you like I'm mourning you
<i>Bible<i/>
18:55 may 22, monday
When you turn nineteen, god says, "I've brought you someone to love, and it won't cost you anything but your heart, soul, peaceful sleep, trust in others, sound mind, steady breathing, your indifference to belonging, your control over your day-crying, and the third chordae tendinea that fully developed when your mother was in her 2nd trimester with you. Please enjoy"
<i>Auditorium<i/>
18:51 may 22, monday
You what?!! You're out here being TRANSPARENT!? What're you trying to get yourself killed ?!!!!!!!!
<i><i/>
18:47 may 22, monday
I save the ugliest piece of food for last, so that way, maybe it'll be less ugly once i get to it
<i> BL frm. 2021,one of my drafts<i/>
15:45 may 14, sunday
If I painted a portrait of u it'd be prettier than u and it'd be hung above my bed and you would call me obsessive for it whatever that means I just call it I love you honestly and I thought you'd get it, casually, that's how I love casually without thought, I hadn't even paid it any mind, you would say don't go through the trouble, I swear it wasn't trouble it took me zero effort or inhibition
<i> Dad Lookbook<i/>
12:28 may 13, saturday
one of the eurocentric songs that would be playing on his speaker in the garage as he was doing his deadlifts ------>
+ now its one of my favorites i stole
Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained
and that is something i legitimately learned the meaning of only recently
<i>Tying the knot<i/> 12:32 may 7, sunday::;/ learning is tiring work
<i>AK</i>
12:18 may 7, sunday
When I come face to face with an enemy, I don't like to give them a boring run-of-the-mill insult. Why call someone an idiot when you could say, "We will never be the same, why would I be afraid of you? You are just the product of cheap whim, the never ripe fruit sown by poor ambition. Leave me." *turn your head away from them in disappointment/disgust* (the old english way of saying "get out of my face")
<i>Post to be</i>
11:28 april 30, sunday
But if we can't reference our first love then how can we be present and sure enough to reference any of the ones after
If it does and did feel monumental, do you know that you have to write it down and put a big x through it. you have to cancel everything out and get used to the narrative that it equals a zero so that you can move forward because living in a gray area is not going to preserve your dignity or push you anywhere. If you can do this to anything that moved you, what even counts going forward? If you can just delete anything no matter how tied to it you were, how can you really be tied to anything in the future, is every tie and cord just a preface for something that has to be cut from you? And what's worse, that the knife cannot be heated or sterilized or sharp, its not surgical and you cant even be liquored up. The best way i can explain it, is when i would watch my dad skin rabbits, he let me hold the head after but i was like, "A serrated edge dad? " like i know its dead but what's with tearing into it like that. It's just like that.
bottom line, this is the question I had,
When you cant even allow yourself to hold memory of your first love or reference it at all, how will anything after count? Why would you even feel driven to honor it when you know that if your time is up youve got to go and you have to do it fast, that doesnt allow for gray areas or dwelling or anything filial, its like you have to choose one or the other::, either, you were safe and worth remembering OR / you were always in danger, and someone would soon rather drive in circles for excitement, before trying to recall what your voice sounds like. which one gets you moving, which one makes you want to roll your eyes and laugh at yourself cause that's the one that cuts and lets you free,, but if you do this once, it begs the question , "will i just have to do it again and again and again" even if i just wrote enough right now i dont think i've made my point at all, so i just have to be satisfied with this very loose-end, unfinished work, but dont worry, you wouldnt even believe how well acquainted we are
here's to hoping your surgeon has a PhD, and that your first love is one you can "reference"
-Jae K.
<i>Preserves </i>
11:33 april 21, friday
Guten Morgen funny bunnies,
---------side note O.P.I has a nail polish shade called Funny Bunny and it is gorgeous
Okay so don't think me totally crass and tasteless for this but, I have something to.... say, its pretty known that I want children some day because its a topic I have consistently doted on for a few years now, and if I do happen to drop it for a bit, its been proven that I'm picking it right back up, and well being a woman means having a baby requires a man, that's fine and everything, I accept and understand it, and what I also understand is that sperm donors exist so you could ask for a baby and not deal with a man (the middle-man if you will) unless maybe the gynecologist was male. I won't go on a tangent here
I've just been tossing around the concept that I think maybe I will just find a donor, do extensive research, maybe even outside of the bank itself, pick the perfect candidate, become pregnant live alone as I usually do, take care of everything on my own with coaches or teachers maybe, but besides that I'd live alone and very possibly my two Borzois, and just work and stretch how I usually do, drive at night when i get restless like I usually do except for my roads would overlook the coast this time and maybe instead of my vehicle being Korean, it'd be German, and I'd take all my vitamins and minerals, overdose minerals, get lots of massages, and watch all the 1940s Looney Tunes that I want and stand over the sink eating 3 or 4 pomegranates at a time, get the counter messy with all of the pomegranate carnage, and I doubt id be perfectly happy all of the time I could still get in child's pose and cry like I usually do,
but the point is it'd be a solo mission, cause like, who is this about? Then once my twins are born, my hired butler will father them, I pay him to do his job, our relationship doesnt exceed professional/formal, he knows the important things, he knows when they eat, when they have school, what time they go to bed, what outing they'd like to go on during the weekend and everything else, we'd be pleasant and kind but never close to each other, we definitely would not sleep in the same room, his would be down the hall from mine, and the childrens' would be in the middle, he will have his role entirely outlined in his contract, he doesn't interfere through his own selfish motivations, if he gets attached to the children (which is expected), he knows his job is to follow his basic direction, children need a good father so so bad, nothing should ever put that in jeopardy,
by their father being a hired a hand, his objective lies entirely in the health and well-being of the children, i am not involved with their relationship because my relationship with my children is entirely reliant on me, they have both a mom and dad with no risk, they will have everything they need, and no the house won't be cold or destitute of love, there's going to be a lot of love I will love my kids and he will too, but we won't love each other, its not required and the point is, it is actually entirely discouraged and inapropriate here. , his job is to father the children, no matter what, and there will be little to no complications because of that, because I chose their father based on logic and agenda, not because I "love" him, because your feelings for someone do not determine how qualified they are, "feelings" are not going to ensure that the kids will have a safe supportive loving man to look up to, like at the end of the day, my kids are not going to suffer and lose out just because I accidnetally loved the wrong person and tied him to me forever, Im saying we won't even speak to each other , we will obviously live in the same house with the children and some communication is definitely necessary but it is not set to be a relationship that either of us gain anything from, we are both focused on the only objevtcive: raising well-adjusted and loved children,
like just do your job and stay away from me, I pay you, you do your job. Am i making sense?
its fair
Anyways,
Ciao & all of that, happy friday
-jaek.
<i> You wouldn't get it mom</i>
00:55 april 15, saturday
When I'm looking back, I think its funny and dumb that boys ask "Why don't you trust me? What's holding you back? Do you think Im gonna hurt you?" No bud not at all, I think you look just like Jesus! If only YOU were alive during the Holocaust, you would've saved all of them you're so saintly, you're my hero, oh please save me! My faith in you is 1000% maxed out, I know the angels delivered you themselves, you question my trust? In you? Lamb of god? Chosen one brimmed in a halo of holy light? Oh please
like give me a fucking break, its funny when they're dirty and guilty and they act like dont know why you are afraid, like they spend less than 3 minutes in the mirror a day because they can't even look at their own reflection, and then, pretend that they dont know the issue, I'm scared of you? you are scared of you!!!! nigga we both scared of the same person, why are u still staring at me go run outside and call for help cause im more scared than you right now! if we're making it a competition! "dO yOU tHiNK iM gOnNa hUrT you?" no it seems like you asking me a question you should have the answer to? I know you are not the culmination of your father's fastest swimmer and your mother's ripest egg, but I just KNOW, you aren't braindead, so praytell, spoil the surprise and just be honest, 1" Better the poor whose walk is blameless than a fool whose lips are perverse" Proverbs 19:1. --Future-fuck the convo, show me you're a problem child off rip, like we both know you are, but maybe we just like to keep secrets and play house, like it'd be okay if i were 9 years old, but ive got a credit score now and i think i have things to spin around for, collect and stuff, wasting time isnt cool but its funny to play make believe about it, i cant even count my age on my fingers anymore so i just know that you cant either, but dont be dim and dont waste my time, thats law
"Jaelah,. . . "
"YES?"
<i> jaelah k. <i/>
what I've learned from being a waitress ⍮
15:13 april 14, friday
Firstly,
Guten Morgen little dolls, or afternoon or evening, whenever you are reading this, today we dive into work, our fire, our motivating factor what we are naturally inclined to do. I have a few jobs, some veryyyyy old, some are newly born, some I'm just getting reacquainted with, but working at the diner has been a very fantastical thing for me, mostly because of my perception, but also because it is just a good place, simply put it is good. It will have been a year in July, since I've started working at the diner, I love most all of my work and what it entails, but thats not because its easy or perfect, but it is whole. And yesterday I put together a mini list of some things I've learned while being a waitress, I think its useful and its informational, maybe even just for entertainment,. To preface as well, know I'm possessive over most of my things like any normal human (Yea there's real genuine blood coursing through my veins), few people know what I do or where or when IN GENERAL, its not some huge secret its just privacy, but I would like to disclaim that, where I work, is not gen y-z friendly, it is not a suburban boba shop, it is not a Tilly's there is no HR dept., there is no formality, everyone is white and conservative/republican, they are vulgar most times, they are unapologetic and they are weathered, they dont follow new rules and they will say whatever comes to their mind at all times, no matter who is in the room, you cannot work where I work, because i have grown to love them all, they are my family and they are my 2nd home, i dont allow people to intervene with my home, and anyways they would eat you alive it is just not your world, but it is mine,,,,, and so anyways, here is a fun, nondescript list/ a "how-to" guide
-
When a couple comes in, only ever address/make eye contact with the woman, you know you dont want her boyfriend but young women are so dumb they think everyone wants their stupid boyfriend, so just make sure you cater to her insecurities, this will help your rapport
-
When men hand you money for no reason, you dont ask "why", you just take it
-
Say "Of Course!" a lot
-
Fold your arms and tilt your head when speaking with most men
-
Say "you're so funny/sweet!" even if it was neither of those things! Or if you just dont know what to say!
-
Never let your mood dictate the use of your manners
-
The men who weld and also have credit cards,: their cards dont have the wireless tap feature because their work machinery "de-magnetizes" it, or something
-
Memorize whether or not they take cream with their coffee, and also whether they take hazelnut, vanilla, or half&half
-
Compact mirror in your apron, reapply lipstick frequently
-
Talk with your hands
-
Ask names + remember them
-
Really rich men, never look rich
-
At the counter, go down the line with the coffee pot. if one person wants a refill then someone else does too
-
All veterans + military personnel get the military discount. no war is more valid then the others, Though this may be up for debate amongst the veterans themselves
thats all for now, I will update as I learn more, no doubt I will, learn more, have a blessed friday , a blesssed rest of your weekend, hopefully you can use some of the items from the list, here's to sharing secrets and laughing abt them later
Ciao,
jae k.
<i> Rebuttal<i/>
18:10 april 4, tuesday
When I was little and we played mermaids I was faking, because I knew I was a vampire since I had decided when I was 5, that that's what i wanted to be....., I didn't have to pretend to be oceanic cause its repetitive
<i> Me <i/>
18:08 april 4, tuesday
Yes he's a cowboy! But Im a pirate
<i> YCFWMYNTTT <i/>
18:03 april 4, tuesday
If i was Johnny Test i'd be knocking on my sisters' door at 5 in the morning like "Hi.. is it possible for you guys to invent a device that allows me to pray even when I'm not praying, i'd appreacite it a bunch "
FORMYREALBITCHES
Jacqueline Lee Bouvier Kennedy Onassis
A woman that I believe was beautiful, elegant, a most memorable first lady, much more valuable than any other "lady" figure at this time
and in general,
a woman that did not get as much positive recognition as she deserved,
she is simple
and she is perfect
she endorses pearls, a gorgeous benefactor of the camera, if no one advocates for her true value, i am the one to,
as always,
people always want to be different but forget that being different means you get cast out,
no one that is different wants to be, and if you want something that is the sure sign
that you do not have it,
that is the sure sign that you are not what you want to be, because if you were that already, you wouldn't want for it,
to be different is to be misunderstood and mis-perceived, no one advocates for those truths
for the woman that gets ridiculed even when she does nothing
never provocative, never crude,
modest gracious & dignified
for the woman that is/was not accepted or given her flowers, even quite the opposite
who is careful and well-mannered but is always the one to point at & be
taken as an offensive player
a really gentle shining lady
you would know if you were smart at all
who is worth her weight in 22kt gold and chariots and roses?
<i> P.S. Momma loves you <i/>
15:22 march 25, saturday
I want my first daughter to have the name of a prized championship racehorse, so it'll probably sound something like, The Purple Pickadilly Lilly Lost Her Favorite Gloves at the Icecream Parlor
<i> Even men have wives <i/>
17:53 march 7, tuesday
Middle-aged Russian man being detained by officers for an armed domestic disturbance, inside million dollar condos, wielding a knife, when asked "Where's your wife?" he responded in his thick accent, "My wife, is my Escalade." it was brand new, black gloss, and super pretty though so valid, this is a true story too
<i> And sleep is such a chore <i/>
14:28 march 5, sunday
His dad had got trapped somewhere kind of as a prisoner in a foreign country where they had been vacationing, and they couldnt do anything to get information on him they didn't know where he was or how he was, he was insisting his dad was dead, him and his mom thought so, they were on their way back home , he was telling the TSA agent all of this surprisingly calm and light in tone of voice as well as disposition. He finally saw me, realized I was literally next to him in line collecting all of my stuff from the bin, he was delighted and surprised, he patted me on the back reassuringly. he had nothing negative to say to me, it was as if all of the things that hurt each others' feelings never happened, i was wondering who must've wiped his memory? he greeted me like an old friend, it made me want to cry. He was shorter smaller younger in spirit, like a vital type youth. like an elf, a tree elf. idk he was more mature and adult at the exact same time, because he was acting so grounded composed HEALTHY well-adjusted, some like, white guy at your office that had just got married 2 months ago. it made me emotional when he touched me even in that really casual impersonal way. or maybe that's why it made me emotional. Its like he was saying, "I'm not mad, why would I be Mad? Im glad i saw you, you really woudnt believe the day I'm having!"
No one ever greets me in this welcoming non-intense way, I expected him to do something abrasive mean and cold indifferent ignore me and all of the above, i was waiting the whole time, in the dream i think i just stood the whole time not saying anything , you can't read my face and see how confused and worried i am? you are so insanely disappointing, the person who wiped your memory didnt take mine, im not getting on this plane
or
say nothing and nod
or
smile back and let your guard down and let everything go, opportunity to move on and finally get over it, my favorite wet dream is the one where i just effing (get over it)
<i> You won't have nobody to lean on.<i/>
22:04 february 23, thursday
"You won't have nobody to lean on",,, but said as a promise, like its a threat, like its said as if someone were stating, "the sky is blue", like your enemy is so indifferent to you at this point , its not that they're not passionate about hating you, but the active passion is gone now, they kind of just know your demise is around the corner, theyre betting on it, its just a matter of time, "You won't have nobdoy to lean on" like theyre reading you side effects of a medicine they just prescribed you, you are sick, they are your doctor :
"You won't have nobody to lean on."
how official, how insulting, they don't even care to be excited about it, not even "You'll be all alone" not even a "You are going to be afraid" not even a "Im going to kill you and hurt you" its straight up they said "You will have not one single soul to confide in."
<i> <i/>
17:05 february 20, monday
"this shit beneficial4anybody."🕊 2003 baby ddctn. : #virgo
(i listen to this to drive fast, to go to target, to cry, to paint my nails)
My Wedding Blueprint
age 19, year 2023
⚕︎
Firstly, my wedding will be in winter, Im thinking January and Im not sure of the location yet but a destination wedding to Europe would be ideal, maybe in Transylvania or Hungary or Romania or any of the small bordering countries, the ones that are still laden with lots of dirt roads and villages
The reason being not only is it domestic and dear to me, sunlight is very scarce in Europe especially during the winter, there’s always just a mist glow of sun never a direct beam in the sky, is what my brother told me after him and my dad came back last month. His actual words were “Its always gloomy even when the suns out its not really out, it feels like being in a dream.” This is all perfect for the occasion. I am thinking that I’d like about one hundred guests, no more than two hundred, and I’d love for them all to be able to attend , the crowd is necessary so maybe I won’t have a destination wedding perhaps some people may not be able to fly out. Maybe I'll just do a rural homely city somehwere in the US.
Now the audience is accounted for, my wedding will absolutely be in a church I used to want a real forest garden scene almost jungle-like, but my music choice dictates the scene, and so it will be in a cathedral. Tall so extremely tall, the cathedral may be creme or ivory on the inside with frosted glass windows no stained glass just white and frosted. There will be white ribbons hung from the ceiling a bunch, I want it to look like its raining white ribbon and 2 huge windows at the front of the church behind the priest need to be draped in white sheer curtains and either those windows need to be open, or there needs to be small fans underneath them so they billow real soft-like during the whole reception. Then I dont know how, but white petals of roses and other small flowers must fall from the ceiling. I dont know how they’ll do this yet, but there needs to be a steady and gentle flow of soft white petals, like there’s a breeze shaking cherry blossoms off the trees. Im sure they could rig up some machine to have petals continuously fall. So that is also taken care of.
✛
There can and should be a portrait of Mary and Jesus right in the center between the two windows, and it should be a semi-somber one, the color-scheme should be beige and gold and brown, the frame should be gold and there should be several candlesticks lit underneath the painting.
The guests , I haven’t quite decided yet, I want them to all wear either red, like deep pungent red, or I want them to all wear black, I have yet to finalize this decision we’ll see when we get there. My wedding is set to be a sort of funeral. In the way that its serious and its heavy. Then when the guests are first ushered into the pews, and the petals are softly falling, I want soft whiny violins to be playing, in minor chords, a heavy feeling like something bad might happen but you’re at a wedding so nothing bad will happen. I dont know the head count on the orchestra but there will definitely be an orchestra and choir, they can all wear white, to sort of blend with the background, or better yet I’ll match their robes to the color of the church walls, creme and ivory. I dont know what’ll look best yet.
Then my dress, will be white of course, and I want extensive lace im talking lace up the wazoo. I want ruffle and lace everywhere I want my train to be 8 centuries long I want my hands practically painted white and my veil will be like spun sugar and it will also be long and fluffy, OR it'll be sleek and silk like and understated, I havent decided yet. It'll completely blur my face, just translucent enough for me not to trip as I walk down the aisle. And the song that will play....Oh my god the song will be sung by the choir and it will be "The Turtle Dove" by Ralph Vaughan Williams or "Agnus Dei" which is latin, and translates to "Lamb of God", both are two of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.
Back in 9th grade when I first found these songs accidentally, I used to hole myself up in my room with them on a loop and draw for hours, things comepletly unrelated to the music but it moved me so it felt good. I also did cry to these a few times. Now The Turtle Dove I have mapped out a timeline/choreography in accordance with the length of this song but I have not done this for "Agnus Dei" yet. For The Turtle Dove I'm thinking the violins will first cue in, maybe 4 or 5 violinists okay, they will wear black I think, they must be fairly small with slicked back hair. They’ll begin the song slowly, a slow burn, then the choir begins to sing. The song is about 3 minutes 30 seconds in length depending on how I want it played.
The choir and orchestra is playing getting the audience ready for my arrival, but those double doors dont open until 1 minute and 27 seconds into the song, the doors are open for another 30 or so seconds before my figure is introduced in the doorway, the audience is motioned to stand at 2 minutes 3 seconds, 2 men bring me to the entrance and and I begin walking led by my father at 2 minutes 13 seconds into the song, with my head slightly down tilt, now the petals fall at an increased rate, as if they were raining down from the heavens and I walk at my slow steady pace, the priest awaiting me at the altar and my husband idk what he’s gonna do yet I would say some very excessive dramatic idea but I’ll withhold it for now. I will reach the altar and be facing my husband by 3 minutes 5 seconds into the song, the violins will continue but slowly burn out and my husband will unveil my face and hold both of my hands in his, kiss my forehead and the audience will then sit and try not to cry.
Again, if its not The Turtle Dove, its Agnes Dei both are obviously opera songs. The lyrics to Agnus Dei are latin and they are translated below.
play Agnus Dei here while you read the very striaghtforward lyrics ,
skip to about 2 minutes in if you are impatient, but i highly recommend listening
all the way through
“The Lamb of God,
Who took the sins of the world,
Have mercy upon us.
The Lamb of God,
Who took the sins of the world,
Have mercy upon us.
The Lamb of God,
Who took the sins of the world,
Grant us peace.”
and it is sung over and over again for 8 minutes
blue print subject to change as always but this is my current want and desire,,, maybe you will be invited if you're lucky, bye for now
-j. kelly
⚕︎
<i> <i/>
23:04 february 17, friday
What Future said::
"If you woulda took the flesh out me, you woulda ran off with it and tried to convince me it was karma"
What i heard::
Given the circumstance, that you had adequate physical hold on me, perhaps you'd try your hand at wishing me ill-will, following through on it, making a conviction of your promise, true to your word, drain me enough from soul and mind that my physical body slowly wither, in turn it would have been that my suffering and deterioration was at your hands , you would have won an entirely singular sided battle, then turned the opposite way holding what was mine, leaving me destitute, leaving me at all,,, taken with you: something that naturally belonged to me, something that i was borne with, And at the end of it all, instead of admitting your deceit, the insidious plot to thieve and hide, you would insult me further, fib and under the watchful eye of god, you would speak in all confidence that not only did i deserve this ill fate but i had asked for it, as if i dont pray every morning and night as if I had abandoned my faith, betrayed my creator and begged him to punish me, you are the liar, you might meet your match if you are not as careful as i have now learned to be.
<i> <i/>
22:58 february 17, friday
i like being in college and having a job, all this work gives me purpose, its boostin my stamina , i love work i be gettin to work on my work, work make me feel good inside, i bite my lip whilst i toil away at some work, is it so wrong, am i so wrong
<i> <i/>
10:59 february 13, monday
i wish i had two different bodies that were exactly the same and everything except one would be covered in tattoos like jesus and mary on the back full blown mural, a scripture, tigers, and a full on medusa hand tat and one arm completely sleeved up and even my right thigh would be covered in SOME thing i don't know what yet, and my neck too id have words and roses all on my neck and behind my ear etc,, then the other body would be completely clean and unmarked
<i> <i/>
10:52 february 13, monday
At least narcissists stand for something, the rest of us are subject to fall for anything, (more often than not)
<i> <i/>
11:54 february 12, sunday
at any point i can call either of my grandmothers (paternal or maternal) and ask them to pray for me, and they both would without asking why,
only one would feel it urgent, do it constantly, and cry before, during and after. The other would feel that her faith is so strong and noble and unwaivering, her prayer would be recited in calm and assured tongue,,,
it should be noted that both forms of prayer have and do work
<i> <i/>
15:10 february 11, saturday
German shepherd puppies are cute in the way that you know they're a ball of potential, like they're hiding something, (in my opinion). they're as cute as all puppies but they have a more purposeful air about them kind of like even when they're yawning or being held or playing or lazing around they still look like they secretly think they're better than you and their dad is like a Saudi king or minister or something so they're just automatically gonna come into more wealth than you ever will. They're mischievous looking even when they're not being bad,, they're babies in the way that baby dragons are babies, their "youth" is short and not the first thing you notice about them, almost as if they really shouldn't be born babies, but full grown
<i> <i/>
17:44 february 9, thursday
"He can have anyone he wants, and she knows that."
<i> <i/>
13:16 february 5, sunday
I was like "dad why do you have the flame turned up so high on your stew????" He was like "What???!!! Im tryna burn off the bacterias...."
<i> <i/>
12:53 february 4, saturday
for really great feet? after getting out the shower, i put on my goat milk lotion and give myself a bit of a massage, press on some pressure points, foot reflexology? chinese medicine? idk i just freestyle, im sure it does soemthing i havent dedicated serious research yet, and then i use raw african shea butter just the stuff in the plastic containers that you get from the beauty supply, and layer that on top its a really heavy sealant, and then i put on fuzzy socks, and when its really cold i put on my wool socks on top of those, and it has been really cold lately, and yes i do sleep in socks, and not just because warm feet = warm womb, it just is comforting ,, although there are times where i wake in the middle of the night just so uncomfortably warm and i practically tear off my socks i can't get out of them fast enough, but that isn't every night, also kona chewed a hole in the heel of one of my wool socks and that just pissed me off but i guess it does give them character oh well..
<i> <i/>
12:09 february 4, saturday
So I recently invested in goat milk lotion but Im not talking about that crap you get at #Ulta cuz I've tried.... Im talking about family owned and operated farm, goat milk is the FIRST ingredient listed, minimal additives, glass bottle, fragrance free, raw, goat milk lotion cuz i was serious, and it is sooooo luxurious best money i ever spent, i dont think I've ever really raved about a product before so believe me , take my word to heart, I paid $48.92 in total at checkout for their biggest size: a 16oz pump bottle, which is glass, and then going forward you have the option to just buy refills if you so choose, and it was worth the money, like that i would say, is a staple, right up there with my supplements and gassing my car, and my esthetician appts, I so so so appreciate when i can find a good solid person or people who just deliver pure luxuries that are good quality i never regret investing my money into those things and those people , i get paranoid over not being able to find purity anymore like in food and products in general , they are so rare i feel, and i just need them to know that they are needed and appreciated , i had a similar emotional reaction when i found good dark chocolate that only had like 6 ingredients and only a necessary amount of sugar i was so pleased i was like i need this company to know that i will forever be loyal to them and that im so sorry i didn't know about them sooner, because im afraid that those simple but necessary things (that are luxuries to me) will be taken or lost, i need them to know i dont take them for granted ,, so anyway, very good goat milk lotion the family also has french lavender fields and if that's not the sweetest thing ever .., Also, they do have natural scent options to choose from but i chose fragrance free, which ive found still smells like lavender but it is so pleasant and there's also just this tinge of milky scent you can pick up on but i think its lovely its like smelling a newborn's breath after they've just got done suckling LOLLL, anyway dang, i think ive just about finished raving
<i> <i/>
11:58 february 4, saturday
Over the years I've gone through, obviously several huge phases completely opposite of each other, like one never even flowed into the next they were so individual and choppy, (That didnt make them any less true though, I was serious about my phases and committed) but they were always so far away from each other on two completely opposite sides of the "phase spectrum wheel" One thing though that has remained a constant and true tell of my character, so far, is that in 8th grade I wanted a dollar sign tattooed on the edge of my wrist and now at 19 I still want one and I don't even think it'd be tacky, Im just surprised with myself because I feel like I flip so much how did that stick with me , like its not even deep but taste in tattoos is a big deal and I'm super picky about them
<i> <i/>
00:20 january 30, monday
Today was slow I was fatigued and had no power in me cause I painted my toes black last night, it was a restless day but I listened to my younger brother and his friends argue and laugh with each other so i felt okay
<i>Just a thought <i/>
00:34 december 18, sunday
Never send a monster to do the work of an evil scientist
<i> Gosh *face palm*<i/>
00:14 december 18, sunday
I'm gonna build a church so I don't have to pay any property taxes and it'll look like a church on the outside and everything but when you come in I'm just in there at a singular desk, no electricity, no furnishings , illuminated by 3 Virgin Mary candles and I've got my socks on criss cross applesauce in my swivel chair typing like mad "working" journal and blog alike, oh yeah and there's a glass bowl full of those soft peppermints for visitors right beside my computer , you walk in to see me busy at work, the blue light from my MacBook reflected off my reading glasses, you pause in the doorway, confused as to what you just walked into, you were positive the building had said church bold and new on the outside, but you're unsure now, confused but determined you choose to address me, your winter hat clutched at your chest and a slight frown on your face, it was below zero out there and your hands were frostbitten, you walked all this way through the harsh cold to inquire about the new church, you weren't turning back without some information, you had just moved to this small town, you were desperate for some familiarity, some knowledge , any at all, about this strikingly sterile city. you raise your voice in the most polite, southern gentlemanly style, so as to reach my ears as I'm sat at the very back of the building against the wall, "hey.. I - I've come to worship our Christ and savior. Jesus Christ?" You say his name as if I might be ignorant to it, You sound like a stable boy that's fresh out of grade school, come to offer himself for manual labor so that he might help support his Ma and Pa during a time of economic struggle. I look up through my eyebrows, cold stare, the one typically assumed when I am disrupted, my hands immediately freeze , "Right, this isn't a place of worship, see yourself out" i state plainly, and my head is already back down, abusing the keyboard like I get paid to do so
why even keep the front door unlocked if you dont want anyone to come in inquiring about praise and worship, i only wrote this because i asked my mom if i could have a church built so that i wouldn't have to pay taxes, and then just use the building to do whatever i wanted in it, would they find out and would i be in trouble? how would they know if i filed under "church" and just messed around in my little building 7 days a week and sometimes slept there like it were a clubhouse? just a thought. but we're all like "that's called a house jaelah.... just get a house."
<i> Rambling<i/>
15:06 december 16, friday
i would try and explain the relationship between me and cookie monster but i just don't think id get very far, i dont think any amount of explaining would do it justice, but the way i feel about kona is similar to the way i feel about cookiemonster, and cookiemonster is a vehicle though, literally, ... metaphorically and otherwise,,, I have few things, ("few" in the positive and dear terms) that i keep close to me that are unarguably mine and that i see as my children or under my domain or tied to me an extension of me through little threads, they make up my personal sphere, cookiemonster is one of those things at the other end of the thread, though he is a new addition to myself, he is special and i see him as a mini castle and he's safe and we go just about everywhere together, he is my road dog, and he's just there for me, my best friends would then be: diamonds, dog, and cookiemonster,,, D.D.C, is that acronym taken? Anywho, I dont like to talk too much about my children even on my own spaces, because who knows who might be watching and praying awful things, but I miss him so right now. All I can ever do is be patient with and about every thing
<i> When in Rome <i/>
11:29 december 12, monday
"And i am NOT a little girl anymore, yeah i did some growing UP,, yeah I used to be sooo young, not anymore though do you know how different and grown up I am now? I dont think you'd believe it even if I told you, watch how I pay the clerk CASH, INSIDE the gas station, and I remembered which pump Im parked at so no second guessing there, oh yeah and I just asked him to get me one PowerBall, that's right I play the lotto from time to time , oh he just said its $20 for PowerBall, I just handed him an extra 20 to pay for MY PowerBall, I know it just kills you that Im so unrecognizable now "
<i> On record: receipt/proof that I did it 1st before someone else decides to do it, date and time listed. ▾<i/>
09:55 december 2, friday
my custom ringtone on my bfs phone is the jaguar growl, So everytime I call or text it does that "ROURR!" thing
<i> ?! <i/>
10:58 november 27, sunday
I was sleeping on the grass at the park and i roll over on my side to pick up my phone that was laying next to me and there's a singular ant scurrying across the screen all nosy like, and i got really defensive all i could think was, "WHY ARE U ON MY PHONE?!"
<i> Xmas gifts <i/>
14:02 november 25, friday
All of the good wars were never fought by women, because women don't specialize in fighting wars, but they're always at the root of one
<i> Seasonal kitchen <i/>
18:01 november 20, sunday
My dads been yelling and bitching at me all morning while I help him fix my car, I told him to knock it off or he'd be sorry, but he just kept on,,, so then i take a snack break I'm eating a persimmon (which happens to be the greedy bastard's favorite winter delicacy) he comes in the kitchen and goes "what is that? are there any more?" already yanking on the fridge door to open the fruit drawer like the greedy nut he is, , I tell him, "No this is the last one",,, i mean its sitting on my napkin half chewed saliva practically dripping down the sides, he slams the drawer shut and goes "I knew it, whatever" so I says to him I say, "Told you there'd be a price to pay for your nagging didn't i?" He didn't like that little comment but I think its the best prank I've played all winter, it tickled me good
<i> But<i/>
10:40 november 20, sunday
<i> Look though, look! i mean,, look... <i/>
10:06 november 20, sunday
I realized I actually don't know how to be affectionate like fluidly, I can do it with someone I'm supposed to be affectionate with but that's a single slot, and it takes agood amount of time,,otherwise im forcing myself to be enthusiastic and express any sort of like warmness like by default im sort of stone and rigid like worse than whichever man made you feel unloved type of way,, like it hurts to be expressive it feels like pulling teeth legitimately
<i> Maybach music baby <i/>
10:04 november 20, sunday
<i> perfect words <i/>
09:48 november 20, sunday
When im moody and hormonal I listen to babytron to calm me down
<i> Im in the baby industry<i/>
10:07 november 16, wednesday
<i> Right idea, wrong girl <i/>
12:29 october 31, monday
some thing like if i crash my dad's truck just cuz i was steering with one hand and busy eating a chocolate bar with the other
<i> and when you ask him how he's doing he always says "Bitchinn" <i/>
12:08 october 31, monday
this was like 2 -3 weeks ago but one of the older white male regulars that comes in was talking to me telling me abt a time he ever came close to doing something really stupid,, he said he was 21 in the army stationed in tennessee i didn't ask what war or what idk whatever, i just know he was in tennessee and the apartment he lived in was just surrounded by land and fields he said the did live right next to a 7/11 tho in all of that flatness, one time him and some of the guys from his unit got really really drunk and one of them was like "Lets go rob the 7/11", he was telling me they had guns and everything obviously, and he didn't see what reason not to so they got in the car and he said "when you're coming out of the apartment units if you turn right there's the 7/11 and if u turn left it was just miles and miles of road and fields" and he decided to turn left, he told me they just ended up joyriding and sticking out of the car with all of the guns they brought with them shooting at road signs and bushes and anything else that stuck out at them, he said "and those guys were crazy, those guys , you remember when they were trying to end segregation and they were bussing in all those black kids to the white high schools? yeah those were the guys throwing bricks at the buses"
<i> "You can kiss my footprint" <i/>
12:00 october 31, monday
at night i lock my door when i sleep now, since i just got a lock put on it, I'm telling you i get the best sleep when i do this, its like im barracading myself from human and non-human things, like i know ghosts can apparate through doors/walls whatever, but this new doorknob set says otherwise, i turn that lock with a passion too, i be like "yea ur leaving me tf alone today, have fun, don't miss me, "kiss my footprint" .
<i> Press, be ez <i/>
19:35 october 24, monday
I want a bunch of kids so I can build my very own army of offspring, genetically wired to stick by me, and we'll just move everywhere in a mob and if someone so much as looks at me wrong they'll be all like "what did you say to my mom???!" And so I'll always be safe at the grocery store and at The Grove and at my hotel
<i>marking Triple x's on my supreme calendar<i/>
18:40 october 24, monday
One time i was house sitting and I had my friend spend the night with me cause I was scared (of the house of the dark everything) and so he did, and in the middle of the night I swear to god he had gotten up and said "alright I'm gonna leave okay? I just gotta go" and I remember I was so upset and half asleep and confused and sad as to why he decided to just get up and leave in the middle of the night. But i didn't even move but i was so upset. then I woke up in the morning and he was still there and I told him about what he had said to me and everything and he was like "I didn't leave I was here the whole time, why would I even do that?"
<i> October <i/>
18:53 october 1, saturday
uh oh its my birthday month,,,,, you know what that means don't you? if not I'll break it down, you should be allowed to look at the itinerary and upcomingss::
1. vlad/+ my paternal grandmother's maiden name
2. the viel is thinning the veil is thinning!
3. we've got red velvets for eternity
4. when your pet dies you keep him close
5. freepeople holiday/seasonal socks
6. snakeys
7. house shopping
8. pepper, crows, hawks
9. red again
10. going to war in boots, over boots, to buy more boots
11. being possessive over your: everything
12. showering no lights
13. bringing up old shit just to get a reaction out of yourself
14. knocking on someones door (literal/metaphorical)
yelling and screaming and cussing, making ur enemy the victim
15. I have never. had a nosebleed in my life, that's on the to- do list
16. more money from more old men
17. "miss my ex she dont want the fame she want her degree"
18. growing your hair out
19. cant even get a call from me
20. academic journals
21. i wish people would let me rest for my birthday and take care of me and not drain the actual life out of me
22.
<i> The crisis by thomas paine <i/>
18:43 october 1, saturday
"... but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death."
<i> The crisis by thomas paine <i/>
18:28 october 1, saturday
"..., that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated."
<i><i/>
13:17 september 19, monday
I'll only watch a fight on fight night if they're mexican, , they just fight harder and faster than anybody else and they never lose stamina
<i> Hi ___, meet ___ <i/>
13:08 september 19, monday
If I could time travel Id go back to like 1940 America where I'd be loaded, and so Id just give kids nickels and they'd be so excited they'd go buy ice cream or a horse with the nickel i gave them , or whatever a nickel could buy back then, and then I'd just give them more and more nickels and every time they wanted another one they could come back to me id be like their fairy godmother and they'd follow me around waiting for me to throw nickels giggling and squealing all excited
<i> Ins and Outs <i/>
15:13 september 16, friday
-
Children books circa 19th century
-
Professional- The Weekend
-
Dark wine almost brown, blood color
-
"Lady of the lake", folktale/archetype
-
Black rocks used for sleeping and keep you from flying away while you sleep
-
Car that works and is reliable, (you can drive fast in the opposite direction whenever you need to get away)
-
Hot water
-
Norco hills
-
Being quiet and a scary level of unopinionated
-
Pirates
-
Sugar islands
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Dark beards
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Catholicism--> Jesus, Mary, modesty, pressure, restriction, frequent and intense prayer
-
Bulls
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Snakes/serpents and what's her name, we won't name her we don't have to she's in the room rn w me
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Not keeping up appearances anymore
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Cocoa/Mgnesium
-
3 jobs
-
Jews cuz their language/writing is pretty, say what u want
-
Im missing newport too too much
-
Rulers
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Anything and anybody short
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Youth
-
1 job
-
Attachment and getting too comfortable
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BEING ALONE, apparently, cuz ppl won't leave me the fuck alone
<i> Jaelah's Birthday <i/>
14:13 august 29, monday
☔︎⭐︎♡♥︎
What id like for my birthday this year my 19th birthday is dedications and flowers and love notes and to be taken care of and treated really nicely and carefully, i want a pleasant surprise or 2 or 3 and i want to be driven to whatever location is planned and i want lots of hugs and i want people to say "here this is long overdue " "here all of these are yours" "here pick a couple, pick more than a couple" "here let me do that dont touch anything" "here you deserve this" i want it to be 100% my birthday this year, and I don't want to abandon it and play it down in my head like I'm so used to doing, Ive been here long enough to know what I like
<i>Nordstrom tmw yes<i/>
23:20 august 27, saturday
I keep focusing on what i don't want cuz I know for a fact, exactly what i dont want but to think about what i do want is better, i just seem to have a preventative attitude abt everything plus i almost threw up today, its funny how perfect that tracks considering what revelation i had today
<i>Got that A1 credit that's that filet mignon<i/>
13:38 august 27, saturday
My mom said when she was younger and she did go to church the only thing she would ask for is wisdom and discernment, over and over again, I explained that I might be paranoid about certain people or crazy but I know that Im actually correct in my instinct to run because like my mom I only pray for wisdom and discernment those are the 2 most important pillars and why I can't shake the feeling of little evil things in plain sight because I'm not paranoid and my brain isn't playing tricks on me, unfortunately im just correct about so much that I'd like to be incorrect abt, that's the 9th house thats everything I've made, the suspecting and careful, the equally as sneaky as the bad guy, marauder of the 9th house, calculated quiet and justly suspicious and super extra passionate abt being so
<i> a typical day at the diner <i/>
16:26 august 24, wednesday
One of the regulars a tiny thin hispanic man came in and said "what is your name" (I'm still fairly new i get asked all of the time) i told him and he handed me a blank CD with "Mo Town" written on it, he said "We have to get you into this" I said "Really this is for me? you made this?" He told me he has hundreds of CDs at home and he makes copies, I was so warmed by that there was probably blood on my shirt.
An older couple who sometimes bring their grandkids came in, they have this little one about 2 or 3, he's usually staring at a screen watching baby shark, today he walked in holding a toy Pterodactyl, (yesterday he had a Trex), I said hi to him hes so cute and soft looking (because not all babies are cute, i saw some unmoving ones today as well) he didn't really make eye contact with me too long but he said hi back his grandparents had already sat down, and he began to have a conversation with me not saying anything but gibberish, if cloud babies from fairytales had a language that's the one he was speaking, he was kinda swaying side to side looking at his toy looking around and very softly speaking in such an aloof way, like he was whispering to someone, I talked to him about his dinosaur then i asked for a hi five just to try him, he obliged and touched his soft tiny hand to mine and then went to sit down
Another older couple came in both fairly short, the man asks me "how tall are you?" when i seat them, he shouldn't have because i take too much pride in my height, I told him in my Nikes im 5'10, he replied "I hate you" and then said "I'm 5'2 in pumps" and him and his wife chuckled, when he was leaving he told me and my coworker to "be good" ((what I've realized is a lot of older men like to tell the girls to "be good" i think they get off on it in a subtle way)) he told me to stay away from his grandson, to which i replied i don't know his grandson, he said that i might(fat chance) ,, the poor man doesn't know me so i let that one slide
Another regular came in but this was my first time meeting him, he gave me his name and the correct spelling of it, I gave him mine, he had just gotten a new iPhone 10, he asked me to help him with it he had been back to the apple store 3 times trying to figure out how to use all of the basic features, he explained to me he was in construction, he's much older and kind of short, he admitted he knew how to build anything but could not work electronics, I told him there's no need
My favorite customer came in around 1 something close to closing as always, he got the usual a coffee which he rarely finishes and a water that im convinced he doesn't even look at, today I asked to see his ID, 1933 he was born! He told me he was in the Korean war when I asked if he was a veteran, I thought he might be lying because hes a child like that, but he was being honest I think, he told me a small story from the time and I decided he really must've been in the war,, another regular came in and complained abt his wife's entitlement and the way she spends money, it was a rather domestic and boring rant, Mr. Coffee and Water got bored and disgusted i think, declared he had had "enough entertainment for the day" after abt 10 minutes of the rant and he was done with his coffee anyway, then he laid $5 next to me and promised to see me tomorrow, i could go on and on about Mr. Coffee Water he amuses me so, in his younger years no doubt he was a Holden Claufield type
Another veteran i met was having lunch with his daughters and they asked me abt myself i told them i was in school at Norco since they asked, the man pretended not to know what or where that was, then later while i was restocking the jams at each table he called out "Norco!" and motioned me over so that him and his daughters could discuss my hair with me, before they left he showed me his air force keychain and all his veteran IDs even the medical card, the women kept saying "come on dad we have to leave ! come on dad lets go!" now im sad thinking abt it to be honest,, did you know you have to take a 3 hour written exam to get into the air force?! yea well you do, he told me abt 3 times
<i> I listen to some tswift and keep it pushing<i/>
16:18 august 24, wednesday
<i> Chevval <i/>
19:57 august 19, friday
At work I just refill cokes and then i watch them drink their soda like i know its so good, i don't drink soda but I just know its good
<i> I was gonna lie to you but I had to tell the truth <i/>
16:08 august 13, saturday
on the first day of my introspection week i get angry and vengeful when id otherwise let something roll off my back, about things that i did let roll off my back , but this isn't the particular week to let things slide there are dues that havent been paid there's an injustice and the scales need to be balanced 700% of the time,, who cares if it happened months ago, you're gonna hear about it today and right now and i hate a phone conversation sit in my face and talk to me with some bass in your voice if i were in a gang they'd assign me to be shooter this week, I'm not thinking about what could possibly turn on me and backfire because im so angry and im at my kitchen table just furious that i cried in front of my friend that night my poor unsuspecting angel of a friend who had to try and comfort me, that's losing to me, you're so fucked if you let someone else affect u to the point that u cry in front of ur friend, thats bad juju you have to get yourself out of that situation you are so far gone and you're lucky if you make it back from that and it just makes me mad cause i always knew the truth and i got lied to, to my face, if it had been the first day of my introspection week i would've killed a nigga NO SHARP OBJECT, because im a careful curator on that first day, im huffing and puffing just writing down all the ways I could've got it done, but thats neither here nor there, im angry now but that doesnt get expelled anywhere ill just wait im just being honest
<i> I was gonna lie to you but I had to tell the truth<i/>
13:02 august 13, saturday
Last week this boy came into my job he was picking up a to go order of biscuits and gravy i thinkk, he was my age which is different there's only old people at my job, and he was wearing a white tee and light washed jeans and some muddy work boots, he was a brunette with a baby mullet (mullets are crazy if u do it right) now that i remember, and he had his hands in his back pockets like he was really a laborious man like dat,,i told him his total and he handed me his card which i had to run through manually cuz my card reader is always broken, he smiles and goes "that sucks " and I look up and say "huh? oh having to type in all your card info? yea haha" and i look back down, then i handed him back his card and he got a few dollars from his back pocket and put them in my tip jar, thank you for the sympathy and the tip isaac, I was looking for both
<i> Today im just grateful for Cookiemonster and his bucket seats, cars are not able to hug you but mine can<i/>
15:57 august 12, friday
<i> Girls Trip AZ <i/>
15:14 august 12, friday
people always say the forest/woods are dangerous or mysterious and yea they are but the desert is where everything gets weird, freaky stuff happens in the desert i know its not a dark scary maze of illusion like a forest, but its still really illusive and you can still get lost just as easily and everything in the desert lives alone and everything may be sleeping in the day but whilst you lay your head down at night, all those things surface, and I suspect even the desert sand boogieman, hes just as tall as a forest creature except he doesn't stalk he floats, or hovers, your mind plays tricks on you in the desert, or rather the desert plays tricks on you, its all open in a really unnerving way, being in the desert feels like being a target and when you're alone in a flat desert there's nowhere to hide
<i> The Theme<i/>
10:18 august 8, monday
i did one of those crossword "the first 3 words you see is your vibe" things on tumblr and got bear, lunch, cash, so there u go,, peace and blessings family ;D , going to be very content these next 4 months obviously^^^^
<i> Ty Inspired <i/>
14:46 august 5, friday
you shouldn't be dating the type of nigga to where if u mad at him one day u could call the cops and have him casually sent away on some very valid but prior shit he did, like imagine he yells at u one day so u call the non-emergency hotline and tell on him now he goin to jail for 52 weeks like and you're on a collect call with him like "See bae, that'll teach u to scam doordash "
<i> Keep Calm Marry a Viking <i/>
10:28 july 30, saturday
i am going to find a way to excavate viking remains from the nordic sea, unthaw their bones and either clone or revive the specimen so i can live with a viking and we can get married and i will be chillin forever i won't have to deal with much except for screaming and mass weaponry in our cupboards and I can definitely do that
<i> mob <i/>
10:19 july 30, saturday
i cannot separate the art from the artist that doesn't exist to me, most of the time that i love someones art its purely because i love them, and i love the art I'm gonna love you i have to cuz the two are synonymous, so if i listen to it and im in love with it its cuz i love you if i didn't love you it'd sound like shit i did the work
<i> I love Lynn <i/>
17:46 july 26, tuesday
Lynn the Libra! the Beemer girl!!!!
<i> billet de banque <i/>
13:05 july 25, monday
If i were in a movie it'd be Avatar and I'd be the blue lady with the braids
<i> Lil Durk prequel <i/>
12:09 july 25, monday
sometimes people think i ignore them on purpose when really I'm just absent minded and things, and i know how it feels to be ignored it makes you angry and desperate and cry its top 2 worst feelings ever,,, but sometimes i do ignore certain people intentionally, its never anyone close or important to me or innocent it'll be someone who deserves to be ignored and someone who doesn't take things or people seriously or serious matters seriously, the one thing im good at doing is ignoring someone or something, then they have to question if they even exist, like no you don't, if you had been caring and careful like the rest of us you might have existed or been worth acknowledging, but you weren't so you aren't,, you can't overdo it when you want to ignore somebody it has to be one isolated event or small consistent behaviors , but only one time illicits the type of desperation that turns someone into a theatre major, they start reciting Shakespeare alone in their room when they get home at night that's not even an exaggeration
<i> This weekend has been nothing shy of heavy intoxicating reminiscence <i/>
11:38 july 25, monday
Me and my little cousin drove past his old apartments and he was like "Aw I miss my friends" and I said "Oh u had friends there ?"and he touched the car window all somber and was like "Yea, Mexicans :( <3"
<i>Little town <i/>
18:16 july 17 (7/17 day!!!!!) sunday
the other day when i was driving my girlfriends around i saw the prettiest guy at a stoplight, he was on my left in like an red-oraangeish bmw, both his windows were rolled down but he wasn't playing any music his nose was Greek his hair was slicked back nicely, when he put his right hand on the wheel he had all these tattoos going up his forearm, really sweet and his car made a kitten noise when he pulled off, i love a big prominent really out there nose, like where is your nose from, who had to come together to give you that nose my god
<i>Guides <i/>
14:32 july 13, wednesday
I was gonna write a "guide on being me" but that seems like a bad idea and dangerous and in-genuine,, cuz its not gonna be "omg own a bunch of baby pink and comb hair 100 x/day!" it was gonna be Eat exotic meat, for the love of god exotic meat only, there's some pink in there and definitely try to do your nails once a week (sunday before bed), but I'd be lying if I did some ultra fem new age tumblr article with a bunch of Mean Girls gifs thrown in there for the sake of being "cuki",that stuff is beginning to piss me off a little too much, and you know being maiden/mother/crone in a time like this is worth it, (for me), but it gets hard sometimes, its like walking a tightrope while trying to be expressive and genuine, but its my life's work and i know that and i could manage that tightrope blindfolded so its okay, but, Eat exotic meats only , if its not foreign, its what? right, Borin. maybe ill still do a "guide" article that's shallow enough but not annoying but depending on who you are/what your name is you might find me self absorbed and super annoying either way, but guess what its my blog and my website and i made all of it so i guess it is about me just like all of u guys have ur little IG accounts, those are yours they are about YOU, right
<i> The best slumber party <i/>
7:17 july 12, tuesday
"Oh also could your mom drive me to my grandma's I have to pick up the clock and bring it to your house or else I won't be able to fall asleep when we're done watching movies"
<i> I am <i/>
21:56 july 6, wednesday
Im quite heartbroken that Drake did have some work done, he was perfect 16 years ago I hope he knows, he didn't need abs or a cat eye or a beard, he just needed to show up as him, I would've loved him either way I swear it.
<i> Money machine I seduced it<i/>
21:40 july 6, wednesday
Im not gonna say you cant replace someone because the truth is no matter how special or unique and revolutionary you think someone is, there's always another one of them even if you have to hop a couple states to find them,,,, you can definitely replace someone you just have to make sure you do it the right way, like not to be racist but there's no way a #### ### ######## ### ##### ##### can take my place because we're not very similar at all
<i> 2nd day at the diner <i/>
15:29 july 6, wednesday
♥︎2nd day at the diner♥︎:
-
a man wrote my name down in his notes so he wouldn't forget it the next time he came in
-
the man that told me i shouldn't go to art school also said id be good with numbers and that id undoubtedly be "the smartest in the place" but he doesn't know me
-
ralph said i look familiar but he can't quite place it, then he and his wife laughed and said there must be 2 of me running around town
-
stephen got a haircut so its all slicked back now, very dapper we all agreed
<i>Im putting it on <i/>
14:11 july 2, saturday
I feel afraid for who's next. what if I can't get it right? I don't know what role I played but usually I do., if I even stayed up late anymore thats probably what'd keep me awake, but I dont so it doesn't
<i> <i/>
15:13 june 29, wednesday
I need a viking atp
<i> <3 <i/>
17:06 june 28, tuesday
to do list today, ::
-
paint my nails
-
sit down to blog
-
talk to kona
-
call my manager
-
talk to jaimie
-
washed cookiemonster yesterday
-
sketch uninterrupted but then i got distracted
-
think about swimming
-
think about drake
-
think about cowboys
<i> Roxy v. Quiksilver lovestory <i/>
16:44 june 28, tuesday
the only time a man completely surrenders to a woman is when he's in the middle of the ocean on a surfboard, not even a metaphor i mean it literally, have you been sitting on the beach and look at the black dot they are just hunched over sitting on their board, looking at absolutely nothing just hoping a good wave comes, sitting there forever just being patient cause they have no choice, not to mention the ocean could end your life so easily, all alone out there on a surfboard, and you only ever move because the water decides to, and then they do catch a wave and they ride it for a little while and then they fall off their board and then they keep going back a surfer is a very crazy vulnerable man
<i> tied up<i/>
17:08 june 27, monday
I remember one time we were out at a restaurant eating dinner and a kid at the table next to us made a finger gun and was pretending to shoot me with it so he literally looked at her and was like "I will pack you out" or some street related threat like that,,, the girl was like max. 4 years old, i could not stop laughing
<i> 2nd vice list, its summer <i/>
18:14 june 18, saturday
-
lucky charms w extra marshmallows, raw milk and ice
-
john and jacki kennedy wedding photos
-
egg cream cinnamon honey milkshake
-
5 anklets on one ankle
-
chicano cursive tattoos everywhere
-
96 degree direct sunlight, for the brave and hardened
-
collagen and cod liver oil
-
applebees
-
peach bellini scent 202
-
sea green monster green money green fingers and toes
-
grad necklace upgrade
-
braces w the kangaroo rubber bands
-
cat naps w the cats
-
mondo amounts of tips from all the old white guys at work
-
+ i leave for whole foods at 6:30 am and get there when they open at 7
-
troublemaker shorts by DAZE ©️
<i> rule 1 <i/>
21:18 june 12, sunday
he need to be a terrorist lest i cannot love him
-jae
<i> lala roster '22 ;* <i/>
12:57 june 12, sunday
♥︎ my favorite male artists/rappers right now and why:
(not arranged in any particular order)
no. 1 DRAKE 2009!!!!@!!!1!!!!
- he has the dorkiest most un-threatening face during this period
- always wore v-necks
- was obsessed and irrevocably in love with nicki minaj
- constant sleepy face
- made revolutionary "only daughter" prom type music
- young money!!!!!!!!
- must specify that i i still like drake but 2009-2012 = "heart throb, homecoming,, just got out of highschool" drake
- ^this drake sings for the girls that waitress at TGIFs at 19 and drive silver hyundais and have one of those small purse dogs
no. 2 Sahbabii....
- very pretty, sometimes even too feminine to where i have to do a double take
-very soft mannerisms
-super consistent content wise, all his songs and albums follow one theme
- makes "birth of venus" music if venus were a stripper
- i like the fantasy/mermaid theme he has, its like ur not supposed to take him serious
- hes a pisces
- he has very hypnotic eyes
- hilariously calm
no. 3 LIL DURK LMAO
- first of all he's very scary looking but its grown on me,, its just the eyes i think
- he says whateverrrr tf he wants in his songs hes so gross
- sometimes when i listen to his music i think, "there was definitely a better way for him to get his point across, he didn't have to say that"
- shock factor
- non-threatening
- talks like a middle schooler when he raps
- he be crying in his songs and i get it
- hes the self acclaimed voice of the streets and i think he deserves that title
- makes sure hes passionate when on the mic and makes sure u feel it
- every time he says something i feel it
- i love how he makes everything abt india and how he constantly references her
- he looks funny with a bonnet on
no. 4 ugh 💞Babytron💓💘
- probably weighs 85 lbs dripping wet
- there is no one else like him, hes like a magician with words
- doesn't even rap sometimes, he just talks on the beat
- hes so rude
- he doesn't run out of stuff to rap about
- idek what his songs are abt he just gets on the track and acts like he arguing with u
- hes so good with words
- if u got into a verbal disagreement with him u would lose every time
- he'd probably make you pay him to clean his house
- one thing abt him: hes going to reference 'Hutch'
- hes one of those mercury babies and i knew from the beginning cuz its obvious
- hes a scammer but i don't even care
<i> herbxlove <i/>
18:23 june 9, thursday
yesterday i was not feeling good and the only thing that was pacifying me was singing that one gherbo lyric from that drill song by Blove, where he goes "she actin gangsta she want me to slap her" i just kept repeatng it in my head
attached above^
<i> anyways <i/>
18:09 june 9, thursday
anyways sometimes i watch this guy eat cereal or cheesecake or candy and he's a really sweet man, ima watch this pop tart vid rn actually// show my boy sum love
<i> keyshia cole paradigm <i/>
17:09 june 9, thursday
taking backseat, being put on hold for hours or days or indefinitely, but then I'm supposed to be a mediator and cater to people and make sure that i never make them a 5th or 7th priority, and god forbid i make a commitment to myself like the world ends and im insincere, if i dont put their affections first, i am so tired of being obligated to people, with all of the rules and regulations i set on myself, then to be responsible to another person's sentiments, i am the bane of their existence if my attention is elsewhere, i can never do one wrong thing i can never make one selfish decision i can never accept the flowers or invitation or hug without strings without prior expectation without being illegitimate in statements i made beforehand, i will walk into a room and look anything more than "just rolled out of bed" and its my fault that i get praise for it, i could not even try, or i could make myself as inconspicuous as possible its still overdoing it and I've still betrayed someone, i have not even begun to experiment with my likes and dislikes or seen what other people come and go around me, if i do im bad? the issue has always been i dont belong to one person i have not signed a contract or made a blood oath, yet i get repercussions as if i did, my complaint is i cannot ever play, i cant act my age im not allowed to act young and relaxed or make short term pleasure based decisions, i can never change my mind or change my sentiment or let this thing go and pick this other thing up, because i have to be the one real thing or pillar for other people as if i weren't the same age as them! i feel like rapunzel a lot of times but not in a physical way because i leave this house all of the time, but how she was hidden and kept from the world and other people because her step-mom was like "ur too valuable ur staying right here ur gonna be a recluse and no one else can know u exist but me, if other people see u they'll try and have u the way that i have u" and then i mistakenly remain present, put in overtime or effort into a desire for health and it doesn't pay off like at all, then if u were watching the type of exchange that happens when im involved, it too often looks like im reaching more than the other person and you go "there, she looks like someone's stuffed animal look how she waits for them to come home or acknowledge her or humor her and her really juvenile questions" this happens to a lot of people so u know that u just end up feeling dumb after awhile or like "okay what am i doing here?" and ill ask myself that all the time cuz its true and then u realize why certain people are so quick to end the relationships closest to them(without thinking or caring in the moment). i remember being so mad at this one kid that i used to know cuz it didn't make sense to me how he'd so easily want to stop being in my life, and now its clear to me, its cuz nigga u were annoying him, u were doing too much, u were stressing the kid out and he's a kid he's more of a child than you, he would let himself indulge in every hedonistic urge he had there was no structure with him of course hed give up and not believe in contracts and commitments and i dont even blame him because contracts too easily feel like traps, there's a thin line and if ur claustrophobic if ur really young and un-calloused at heart and do everytjing just cuz it makes u feel good, u make no real promises and ur not obligated to anyone ever and sometimes im just jealous of that boy. but at the end of the day your unwavering commitment and the things that feel like traps pay off in the end because that's how you build trust with yourself and others, and everyone looks to you as reliant because you've proven that you are so there's no question. and who wants to be around someone who doesn't care? like who wants to be around someone who has no sense of stability?
<i> x-rated elevated <i/>
15:52 june 7, tuesday
<i> ive always said this <i/>
18:37 june 6, monday
<i><i/>
23:34 june 6, monday
cool you're almost done with the application process, just go ahead and lay down ur life for me then we can go from there
<i> i always <i/>
18:06 june 6, monday
need the mom to like me idc i don't wanna meet ur dog and dad or sister where is your MOTHER? if i check in its always to ask "does your mom remember me though?" idc if YOU like me does your mom think my hair is nice? does she think that i have good manners? let me know or i cant continue
<i> pip and gin <i/>
14:36 june 6, monday
i have a feeling my first born is going to be a boy, due to a couple of dreams I had yea, but i just seem like a pre-destined boy mom,,, that's IF i dont have a set of fraternal boy girl twins, i would spill my cute matching name pairs right now but i wouldnt want them to get into the wrong hands, we're talking abut babies here, I'm not going to exploit any part of them even now,, honestly they tell me the things they want, i think its so they'll be 100% set when they get here, its like ordering groceries online, relaxing virtually no work, its all taken care of no pushing a cart through a supermarket, no pacing up and down aisles trying to find the right thing, no waiting in line for sea bass or scallops, no waiting in line for the cashier to ring you up,, my babies are door dashing their experience, its super cool and theyre very lucky kids,, also they won't have any plastic toys, all wooden, wool, organic cotton or fleece, no brightly dyed clothing, all neutrals beiges tans blues and whites, when they get of age they'll all have their own baby animal to take care of,, im thinking around 3-4 years old, they can have a baby rabbit or chicken or duck or puppy or kitten, and when i have a daughter she won't be allowed to have red nail polish until she's 16. babies and children should be dressed adoringly, like children, not 20 year old street fashion influencers, respect your babies and children, let them have their innocence and purity for as long as they can in every way virtually possible <3
<i> pps <i/>
23:58 may 28, saturday
you know what i want for my birthday some huge dedication go crazy just be a bunny about it
<i> brandy '97 <i/>
23:44 may 28, saturday
i dont i sit and think about all of my friends and all of their friends too and i go "i miss them" or "they're annoying me or oh i know why they're annoying me oh i know why they're so sensitive they'd be really happy if i did such and such for them i wonder if they're thinking about me rn oh i don't want to see them this weekend but i promised i love them too i hope they dint have any friends that they love more than me now that I'm thinking about it most of my head is just filled up with thoughts about my friends and they have noooo idea
<i> notes <i/>
16:35 may 27, friday
i need some graduation pics with kona
<i> prev cont. <i/>
16:33 may 27, friday
oh so you don't love your mom then how are we gonna trust you, how are you going to even make money? how are you gonna get animals to trust u??
<i> WWYD <i/>
16:20 may 27, friday
Boys always want beautiful well kept girls with sparkling personas and a stellar repertoire, that they cant possibly sustain or maintain, on any level,,, girls they wouldn't even know what to do with if they had them, and girls just want boys who have a nice head of hair, love their mama, and have one good nice solid hobby
<i> sewing <i/>
15:47 may 27, friday
19:18 may 19, thursday
Thank you I love you too
<i> yallknowwhotheEFFthisis <i/>
10:26 may 18, wednesday
<i>1 v. 1<i/>
10:25 may 18, wednesday
i have only one cousin on my dad's side and she looks like me, because she's also hungarian and black, we're the same skin color and we have the same hair and we both have perfect first names and our origins are even more perfect, my paternal grandmother likes to think of us as porcelain russian dolls, cause she would treat us like we were, buy us whateverrr we wanted cover her 20 ft high walls with unnecessary amounts of pictures of us, dedicate jewelry and dolls and fabrics to us, just use the words "precious" and "beautiful" until they practically lost their meaning, she adores her 2 granddaughters and thinks they're perfect but simultaneously fears we are out to get her. my cousin and I haven't spoken in years and she won't speak to me now because she must think im out to get her too, my mom always says the women on my dad's side are manic, sneaky or just touched in the head and i used to think my paranoia and lack of faith in others was my own doing but now im just relieved that its hereditary, plus im happy to finally say i belong to a group of people
<i>ik<i/>
07:41, may
love does exist I've got a little corner piece I hold onto at night!!!!!!!!
<i>another 5th house story<i/>
tuesday, may 17, 20:00
over the past couple of weeks all I've really been doing is doing work at my house on all levels, or attending a family gatherings, jetting back and forth from cow central to moreno valley, sometimes irvine. every time i go to the store I'm by myself cuz im just picking up a few things, i go to the store all the time and i pick up a few things sometimes twice a day. i have favorite stores too, the usuals and i like going to the stores so much cuz my solitude can be interrupted i like seeing families at the store, the new families. a really young couple with their first child triple strapped into a swedish baby stroller, and i look at their basket and there is organic vegan, boxed mac and cheese, the husband is always wearing prescription glasses and/or might have a baby bjorn strapped to the front of him, unfortunately. but then sometimes its not a young couple, its a grandmother and u can tell she wasn't born in the US, and she's got her grandchild in the basket while she looks over vegetables, or she lets the toddler wander around the aisles of the store always close behind with her hands held behind her, but she's not hyper vigilant or nervous at all, she lets the baby walk around and doesn't even really keep a close eye on her, just kind of browses the shelves while the kid wanders. but she never loses her which is perfect parenting. but i notice a baby every time im in the store they're my favorite part and ill just so happen to turn the corner and there one is sitting upright in the basket and as im passing we stare at each other then ill see them in another part of the store or i have to revisit the aisle because i forgot to get something, each time we stare at each other and then we both smile at the same time, and i go "hii" really quietly and then they giggle and smile so big i can see their gums all gums no teeth lol. that's the only thing i need when i go out, i go home and sleep good, sometimes i challenge myself to NOT look at the baby, but i always feel them staring at me and when babies stare at u they stare hard, they will turn around in the basket and whip their head around to follow you, so i just give in and make eye contact, then i acknowledge them, do a little wave and they get so happy, true purity yes
sunday, may 15 22:06
<i>the perfect Trina dedi.<i/>
sunday, may 15 14:45
y
<i> the perfect vice list<i/>
saturday, may 14 2022
jae's vices:: ♥︎
-
french tip manicure
-
whole foods tustin (rain/overcast)
-
rooftop bar (irvine)
-
pb protein power bowl from nekter
-
baby pink anything
-
small diamond accents
-
kona (the dog)
-
wine red manicure
-
old ass coach wallet
-
brown/mahogany lip tint
-
hair that's big and frizz
-
cookiemonster (the car)
-
good jewelry
-
russia
-
gym during summer of 2021
-
vaseline
-
watching ppl devour copious amounts of junk food on youtube (crab legs or sour candy)
